As our scene opens, Dr. B and his resident have established that a 14 year old patient has Epididymitis.
Dr. B: Your son has whats called epididymitis. It’s an irritation in the epididymis, a small structure on the bottom of the testicle at the base of the scrotum.
Mom: Oh. OK. Is that bad?
Dr. B: No. It’s usually caused by an infection. We’ll give him an antibiotic and he should feel better in a few days. What we worry about with testicular pain is a torsion, which is when…
Patient: [INTERRUPTING] Mom! That’s what Craig had and they chopped one of his nuts off!
Mom: Holy shit! How do we know it’s not that.
Dr. B: There are multiple indicators on the exam that reassure us that it’s not a torsion. This is just inflammation in the base of the testicle. [Draws a diagram of the scrotum and gives an anatomy lesson. Then explains why epididymitis is most likely.]
Mom: How do you know that?
Dr. B: Because I went to medical school… And residency… And read a bunch of books…
Mom: Have you ever seen that before?
Dr. B: Yeah. It’s not common, but we do see it from time to time.
Mom: Can you get it from jerking off too much?
Patient: [Shouting] HOLY SHIT, MOM! What the fuck is even happening right now!
Mom: It’s a fair question. Relax.
Dr. B: Not typically.
Mom: Can that make it worse?
Patient: Jesus Christ, mom!
Dr. B: No.
Mom: Can it make it better?
Patient: Stop talking. Please. He said I needed an antibiotic.
Dr. B: Masturbation has no effect on the outcome here.
Death By Catchphrase 