Sometimes people hit a place in their life where things are going really well. They like their job and are able to be productive at it; they have energy after work to pursue the relationships and activities they enjoy; they’re taking good care of themselves and rarely get sick or have flareups of their chronic health problems; stuff is basically working out. Then a small thing about their routine changes and suddenly they’re barely keeping their head above water.
(This happens to me all the time; it’s approximately my dominant experience of working full-time.)
I think one thing that’s going on here is that there are a bunch of small parts of our daily routine which are doing really important work for our wellbeing. Our commute involves a ten-minute walk along the waterfront and the walking and fresh air are great for our wellbeing (or, alternately, our commute involves no walking and this makes it way more frictionless because walking sucks for us). Our water heater is really good and so we can take half-hour hot showers, which are a critical part of our decompression/recovery time. We sit with our back to the wall so we don’t have to worry about looking productive at work as long as the work all gets done. The store down the street is open really late so late runs for groceries are possible. Our roommate is a chef and so the kitchen is always clean and well-stocked.
It’s useful to think of these things as load-bearing. They’re not just nice – they’re part of your mental architecture, they’re part of what you’re using to thrive. And when they change, life can abruptly get much harder or sometimes just collapse on you entirely. And this is usually unexpected, because it’s hard to notice which parts of your environment and routine are load bearing. I often only notice in hindsight. “Oh,” I say to myself after months of fatigue, “having my own private space was load-bearing.” “Oh,” after a scary drop in weight, “being able to keep nutrition shakes next to my bed and drink them in bed was load-bearing.” “Oh,” after a sudden struggle to maintain my work productivity, “a quiet corner with my back to the wall was load-bearing.”
When you know what’s important to you, you can fight for it, or at least be equipped to notice right away if it goes and some of your ability to thrive goes with it. When you don’t, or when you’re thinking of all these things as ‘nice things about my life’ rather than ‘load-bearing bits of my flourishing as a person’, you’re not likely to notice the strain created when they vanish until you’re really, really hurting.
I keep wondering how you reunite a 4-year-old who doesn’t speak English with a deported parent who doesn’t know where their kid is. The only answer I can think of is: you don’t.
Yep. After a while, they’ll slip them into foster care or group homes, most likely. The most accurate comparison right now to me in terms of tactics seems to be residential schools, as it fits the pattern of separating children from parents ostensibly for “their own good”, followed by forced americanization. If I’m off-base I hope my Native mutuals will tell me, but the similarity on this front really stood out to me.
There’s a lot of discussion right now about whether “PDA” is appropriate at Pride events, so here’s a reminder that the very first Pride event in 1970 (called the Christopher Street Liberation Day Parade) featured a “Gay-In” with same-sex couples showing public affection for each other:
“Gay-in” in Central Park during the 1st Christopher St Liberation Day Parade in NYC, 1970
Similar events were held at other Prides in the 70s and 80s. In this period, displays of same-sex affection were especially encouraged, and some even featured gay “kissing booths”:
Three couples take advantage of the Gay Band Kissing Booth at the Los Angeles Christopher Street West Pride Parade, in 1982
This was not casual, it was an intentional choice meant to send a specific political message that LGBT people would no longer stay hidden. People who say that PDA grosses them out no matter who does it are missing the point entirely. Public displays of affection among LGBT people within the context of Pride are part of its historical political message and significance. Refusing to engage with and understand that context is inherently reactionary.
You know who does not get enough respect? Lady Smallwood. This woman is so underappreciated. Her husband is fighting for Robb (though they will bend the knee to the Lannisters after the Red Wedding), she has had to send her daughter away, her son died, and she is still helping the Brotherhood Without Banners.
She could be mean when dealing with Arya and the Brotherhood. The Riverlands are being destroyed and here is this band of merry men needing food and bring children that need to be cared for. Does she complain? No.
“LadySmallwood welcomed the outlaws kindly enough, though she gave them a tongue lashing for dragging a young girl through the war. She became even more wroth when Lem let slip that Arya was highborn. “Who dressed the poor child in those Bolton rags?” she demanded of them. “That badge … there’s many a man who would hang her in half a heartbeat for wearing a flayed man on her breast.” Arya promptly found herself marched upstairs, forced into a tub, and doused with scalding hot water. Lady Smallwood’s maidservants scrubbed her so hard it felt like they were flaying her themselves. They even dumped in some stinky-sweet stuff that smelled like flowers.” – Arya IV, ASoS
I wouldn’t blame this woman if she had been weary or annoyed with the Brotherhood. She is not mad at them for showing up, she is mad that they dragged a young girl through the war, and she starts that even before Lem lets slip that Arya is highborn. Lady Smallwood is a kind, and Arya responds really well to that. Lady Smallwood has nothing to gain by being kind to her and yet she is.
When Arya is leaving Lady Ravella gives her clothing, that will allow her to travel easier than had she only given her a gown.
“
So the next morning as they broke their fast, Lady Smallwood gave her breeches, belt, and tunic to wear, and a brown doeskin jerkin dotted with iron studs. “They were my son’s things,” she said. “He died when he was seven.” – Arya IV, ASOS
What makes it seem even more sincere is that she does not give Arya clothing from some stable boy or something, Lady Smallwood gives her clothing that belonged to her son, who had died. We don’t know how many of his things she has, but she still gives some of them to Arya, probably knowing that she wont see them again.
And to her credit the woman manages to charm Arya. Arya who has been enslaved in Harrenhal, who is starting to have identity issues, who is suspicious of people.
For example she feels bad when she ruins the Acorn Dress.
“I’m sorry, my lady.” Arya suddenly felt bad for her, and ashamed. “I’m sorry I tore the acorn dress too. It was pretty.” – Arya IV, ASOS
And Arya curbs some of her willfulness in order to be kind in return to Lady Smallwood.
“Some of the women tried to put her in a dress and make her do needlework, but they weren’tLadySmallwood and she was having none of it.” – Arya XII, ASOS
The implication being that had it been Lady Smallwood trying to have her wear a dress or make her do needlework she might actually go along with it. That is a big compliment to Lady Smallwood.
Lady Smallwood is a kind woman and deserves more attention for being brave enough to let these group of men crash at her place, and kind enough to feed them and to tell them off for dragging a little girl through a war zone, before she even knew the girl was a highborn. Quite frankly i hope that Lady Smallwood and Arya reunite because i loved them together.
Plain ol’ bi, plain ol’ female. I’m boring, but I get-r-dun.
Hey now, there’s nothing boring about being female (or cis for that matter). You’re the complete opposite of boring! You’re exciting, hee, and you get-r-dun. (Was I supposed to take that as a gay joke? Because I did and snorted quite eloquently)
Slight gay joke, yes. 😀 I don’t really find my orientation boring – I was just kidding.
Death By Catchphrase 