i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”
Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”
The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.
Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
“lol Android users be like-” your phone is designed to break down after a year, your apps are all programmed to draw unnecessary power after 2 years, all your accessories and hardware are arbitrarily made with only 1 kind of plug in mind so you can’t use them with anything else or get them from anywhere else, the cables are 150$ and break in a year, your phones will not charge if there is lint in the port, the stores will ask you for 150$ to remove that lint, the phone itself is 900$
But your chat bubbles are blue so that balances it out right
they literally removed the audio plugin and called it a benefit that it can now only work with their arbitrary wireless headphones. They coloured the phones a pinky gold and sold it for twice as much.
This isn’t a drag against you this is a drag against apple, the company. Their products are price hiked to an insane, impossible degree. They aren’t selling you the product, they are selling you the superiority of being able to smugly say you have an iphone.
They deliberately built up a culture of apple supremacy (especially as a class barrier but i aint even gonna go into that), and now people are making posts like “lmao android users have a bad camera” (they dont) or “lmao android users send bad snapchats” (the android version of snap is deliberately coded to force lower resolution images in order to, surprise, get people saying that exact thing to further encourage #iphoneculture)
Buy an iphone if you want lord knows I’ve bought frivolouss things but can you PLEASE recognize youre being deceived??? theyre playing you every single time you make a post about your iphone and buy into their culture to squeeze more and more money out of you and divide the market and inevitably the classes.
probably my fave thing about norse mythology is that nobody in scandinavia knew what mistletoe was so you end up with descriptions of it everywhere from some kind of tree to straight up a fucking magic sword
like mistletoe irl is this dweeb-ass parasitic motherfucker not entirely unlike somebody kicked a soccer ball into a tree, but it didnt grow in iceland or denmark and only grew in a few places in norway or sweden, but word on the street 1300 years ago was that misteltān down in england was pretty fucking magical n next thing you know it’s getting calqued to mistelteinn, and –teinn is only really used in sword names so it’s gotta be pretty badass right?
in denmark it becomes, understandably, a magic sword, and in iceland an oddly sword- or spear-shaped tree: “stóð um vaxinn, | vollom hæri, / miór oc mioc fagr | mistelteinn”, per voluspá.
anyway there’s no moral here i just think the idea of throwing mistletoe at somebody and them just……dropping dead for some gd reason is fucking hilarious, so @snorri i hate you with a passion but thanks for this
i just realized neither of those sources are english nor in fact in living languages, sorry im like this. here’s gesta danorum iii in english, it describes höðr using a magic sword that allows him to strike down the demigod baldr. and the old norse reads “stood full-grown, | high above the plain, / slender and very beautiful | was the mistletoe”, which… in no way, shape, or form is an accurate description of mistletoe. höðr proceeds to throw the whole fucking plant at baldr’s head and that just….kills him…….apparently………
slkdfjghdsflkgj i always wondered !!! how tf you were supposed to kill someone with mistletoe!
i mean it’s not even a woody vine, it’s like spinach or something, it’s tree salad, how do you kill someone with tree salad? by reimagining it as a juniper tree apparently.
The “Balder gets killed by mistletoe” thing…I always sort of thought it was shaped into the form of a pointy stick/arrow and then launched very, very hard.
Death By Catchphrase 