princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

ceallaig1:

tinmunky:

malkorsai:

highwarlockofhogsmeade:

anti-stupidity-capaldi:

justbecauseyoubelievesomething:

extraordinary-arbiter-bluebird:

keyhollow:

theprofessor86:

psiioniic-miracles:

lost-and-maybe-found:

alt-j:

nah I think we should really stop glorifying cigarettes

you sound boring.

You sound like you’ve never had the scent of cigarette smoke ingrained in your clothes to the point where people in middle school thought you smoked at eleven because your parents couldn’t be bothered to go outside. You sound like you’ve never had your mother flick cigarette ashes out of the car window and have them fly into your face. You sound like you’ve never been kept up at night by the sound of your dad hacking up a lung because he has to get up for his midnight smoke. You sound like you’ve never had to run into a convenience store to get your mother cigarettes as soon as you turned eighteen and cringed at touching the box because you know they’re not only killers but government sanctioned killers because they can not only tax the shit out of them but ensure people buy more at the cost of young lungs and a once beautiful home now plagued with the smell of smoke and ash. You sound like you’ve never had a great grandmother who stopped smoking 30 years before her death who still got lung cancer and subsequently died. You sound like a Fucking ignoramus. Smoking isn’t Fucking cool, it isn’t fun to glorify, it’s disgusting and makes not only you but your children smell bad. Makes not only you but your children cough, get cancer, get sick.

You sound like a Fucking moron. Smoking isn’t cool. Grow the Fuck up.

No, you grow the fuck up. There’s mountains of constant judgment when it comes to smoking. How about you leave people alone and let them do what they want with their bodies.

There is a REASON. It’s not just their bodies they’re fucking. It’s never just their bodies with something fucking airborne. Especially when you have CHILDREN AND PETS.

My grandfather smoked in his house decades ago. We moved in. We started working on it. After just one day of having the AC off so it could be worked on, I could no longer stay in the house because the smell was coming out of the walls <I>so strongly</I> and triggering my asthma to the point where I couldn’t breathe. My grandfather is dead and his smoking still managed to effect me that negativity. It is not just their body.

My aunt took up smoking in secret as a coping method for her depression. My cousin found out and she was so scared for her mom’s health that she hid the cigarettes. But when my aunt noticed they were missing, do you think she had a calm conversation about the whole thing with my cousin? Nope. She stormed into her room in such a rage, my cousin was too scared to even argue. She just gave the cigarettes back and prayed for her mom to leave the room. There was no explanation for why she took up smoking, for why she was trying to hide it, no reassurance for her worried daughter, not even a question as to why my cousin took them… there was just addiction-fueled anger. Directed at a child who had no control over her environment.

And then there’s my own mother, who has never taken up smoking, but who grew up with two chain-smoking parents. My mom who has permanent lung and throat damage from a lifetime of breathing in smoke that she didn’t ask for. My mom who now takes daily medication so her throat doesn’t ache.

But, tell me again how smoking only affects your body?

I grew up breathing not only my step-dad’s cigarette smoke, but all his friends as they’d frequently hang out in the living room together creating a cloud of smoke that permeated the whole house.

I got asthma at 10.

I found a growth in my left lung at 30.

I now have 1 lung. 1 lung and I’m still asthmatic.

Fuck people who smoke around children.

If you can’t agree with this, then fucking unfollow the shit out of me. Too many people in my family have died. My grandfather lost his wife to Lung Cancer. He still smokes though. And my dad who stopped cold turkey when my oldest brother was born and went through hell to make sure his first kid wouldn’t have to also. But did it help? No. Because his mom didn’t care that she had a newborn inhaling her goddamned secondhand smoke. Don’t you dare say it only affects the smoker. Don’t you dare.

Points up. Same.

As a child who grew up around smokers. ALL OF THIS IS RELEVANT!

Both parents smoked. Both died of heart/lung problems directly related to smoking. I remember very well my mom sitting all of us down and begging us not to smoke, ever, because she knew how bad it was for us and how hard it was to quit. This was YEARS before second hand smoke research was a thing. I used to get sick every single winter until I was 20 and left home. Then, wow, I discovered I wasn’t getting sick nearly so often anymore. Cigarettes are not like alcohol – that at least you keep to yourself (well, most do, some …. not so much). Cigarette smoke gets everywhere and affects everyone it comes in contact with. It’s like riding a motorcycle without a helmet–yes,you have the right to screw up your own life if something goes wrong, but you do NOT have the right to screw up the lives of anyone who cares about you.

dukeofbookingham:

thepandanni:

xbreezepleeze:

goneseriesblog:

kotten-not-cotton:

Thank you Michael Grant for understanding

Guys can we get this to 1500? 

this man summed up everything i’ve been thinking for years

I used to go to a school where the principal purposely made sure we were assigned more homework than normal so that we would be “learning” instead of “on the streets acting like hooligans”. And they wonder why that entire city is known for their drug addicted rich kids.

This is so fucking important.