The Little Blue – I Mean Gold – Tablet – seashadows – Night at the Museum (Movies) [Archive of Our Own]

I consider it a really awesome coincidence that I finished this fic-in-progress at around the same time everyone else decided to start posting their spite fics. XD Long live erotica!

Summary:

“So why did you choose me to tell?” Ahkmenrah asked. “Were the feelings eating you from the inside out? Did you have to tell someone for fear of bursting with it, or is this because I’m your friend?”

Jed gaped at him. “What the heck kinds of things have you been readin’?”

Jedediah asks for help from an unexpected source regarding his feelings for Octavius, and gets a lot more than he bargained for.

Every fandom needs a good sex pollen fic, right?

The Little Blue – I Mean Gold – Tablet – seashadows – Night at the Museum (Movies) [Archive of Our Own]

♊ for useless details ask

what kind of mail do they get (except for bills)? have they subscribed to any magazines/newspapers? 

You didn’t specify a character, so I’ll do a few.

Theo Derensky (Sons of Jerusalem): communications from his agent, fan letters filtered through said agent, communications from work, angry letters from Danny (who doesn’t like email), spam, more spam, letters from Freddy’s school, spam. Subscribes to The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and Highlights Magazine.

Bill Baggins (Sons of Jerusalem): invitations to join the AMA, weird misdirected mail that’s addressed to the guy who lives in his old apartment, letters from his more old-fashioned family in England, birthday cards. Subscribes to several scholarly journals in emergency medicine.

Thorin Oakenshield (Down the Road and Back Again): lots of letters from Bilbo, various communications regarding his royal duties, letters from kids, advertisements for hair-care products. Subscribes to Erebor Daily, the Trans-Arda Cat Fanciers’ Magazine, and the Warg Fanciers’ Association Magazine, published by Nori.

Bilbo Baggins (Down the Road and Back Again): everything, because he doesn’t like email, weird mailers from a hardware store (he suspects Fili and Kili signed him up, or possibly Lobelia). Subscribes to Arda Legal.

Octavius (AU, discussed with Sushi and @martinus-cornelius): letters written in Italian from his family, academic spam, way too much from his alumni association. He doesn’t get out much. Subscribes to pretty much every newspaper he can get his hands on, including a few from England and Italy (they arrive a few days late).

Jedediah (AU, see above): mailers from a bunch of places he ordered something from one time and can’t bear to tell no, letters from his more adventuresome friends without access to email, packages with souvenirs for his house, fancy food. Subscribes to National Geographic, Horse & Rider, Horse Illustrated, MAD Magazine, and the Journal of College Counseling.

Bagginshield Halloween fluff? :3

“Trick or – AAAHHHHH!”

“Wait!” Thorin shouted after the squealing fauntlings. “Come back!” It was no use. Yet another group of little ones had run off without taking any candy. Was it because he was a Dwarf? Or had he decorated the smial insufficiently? Whatever the reason, he couldn’t help feeling let down. Trick-or-treat night was not at all what Bilbo had promised.

He sighed and scratched the edge of his forehead where the paint had begun to itch. And after I dressed up, too.

“What’s wrong? Is the candy insufficient?” Bilbo came up beside him and squinted into the sunset, a hand over his eyes. “Ungrateful little trolls! I spent hours making those sweeties last night. Have you ever heard of anything so -” He turned to Thorin, his face indignant, and stopped short with a scream to rattle the windows. “AAAHHHHH!”

“What? What? Are you all right, Bilbo?” Thorin grabbed his husband by the shoulders, which didn’t help the screaming situation. “Why is everyone screaming at me tonight?” Surely it wasn’t possible that Hobbiton had decided to have a collective apoplexy without notifying him. Perhaps if he shouted for a raven and sent word to Oin…

Bilbo shook in his grasp. “Y-you…you…” His breath came in goldfish-like gulps. Right, so not collective after all. “You…” He pointed at Thorin’s face. “What is that on your face?”

“Food?” He had had pumpkin tarts earlier.

“No, not that, you ridiculous sausage!” The color was beginning to come back into Bilbo’s face. “What in the name of all the Valar do you think you’re playing at, painting your face up like that? You nearly scared my heart out of my chest!”

“But it’s only a bit of paint,” Thorin protested. He wasn’t even very good at it. Nori was much better at costuming than he was. “I’m an Orc demon from that story I told you. You said it was clever.”

Bilbo shook his head. “The story. I said the story was clever, not painting yourself up to look like something out of everyone’s nightmares. No wonder those poor faunts have been running. How many angry parents do you think we’ll have to deal with later tonight?”

“I didn’t know Hobbit children scared that easily,” Thorin admitted, feeling more than a little downtrodden. He looked down at his feet, which even after all these months he hadn’t been able to start leaving bare yet. “I’m so sorry, Bilbo. I’ve ruined everyone else’s Beggar’s Night. Can you forgive me?”

Bilbo stared at him, lips pursed, and then melted into a friendlier expression with a sigh and a squeeze to Thorin’s middle. “I suppose,” he said, giving that irritated huff of his. “Just go wash your face and we’ll start again. But just in case…” He shook a finger at Thorin in warning. “I’m holding the sweets bowl this time. You’re not to be trusted.”

Thorin snorted. “Yes, my dearest,” he said, and kissed Bilbo’s cheek before he turned to go to the washroom, leaving Bilbo to splutter behind him.


Thanks to my amazing wife, @wikdsushi, for the idea on how to fill this. 😀 Hope you like it, @emsiecat!

Prompt: Larry gets Jed and Octavius a dollhouse as a joke – joke’s on him, though, when they move right in, ecstatic at more things that are properly sized for them, the normal people.

The neat frame house had blue shutters and a yellow door, and under any other circumstance, Jed would have thought it was right pretty. What he didn’t understand was why it was sitting in the Hall of Miniatures. “You got some kinda head injury, Laredo?” he asked. “We’ve got our dioramas already. This is…what’s the word? Don’t fit in the time period?”

“Anachronistic,” Larry said. He looked strangely as if he was trying to stifle a laugh. “It’s for you and Octavius. I know you two are, uh.” He made some vague motions with those ginormo hands of his. Jed glanced with distaste at his hangnails. He knew hard work and all, but darn it if he didn’t have some standards about not letting those ragged things hang there like dried leather. Guy’s mama ought to be ashamed of him. “Don’t make me spell it out.”

“We shall neither spell it out ourselves nor make you do so,” said Octavius from beside him, lifting his chin in that proud way Jed liked. “We appreciate the gift, but why a dollhouse? You’re well aware that we are not dolls.” He punctuated the last two words with a stamp of his foot.

“I, uh.” Larry rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, looking a lot like a popped balloon. “It’s a j…just go check it out, okay?” He reached for the hinges on the side, obviously intending to open up the house. “It’s got wiring and everything. You’ll like it.”

Octavius held up his hand. “There’s no need to open our home for us, Larry,” he said. “We will enter through the front door like civilized people.”

It wasn’t so long ago, Jed knew, that ‘civilized’ wouldn’t have applied to the West, as far as Octavius was concerned. No matter how oblique the reference, Jed would take it.

Once they were inside and the light switch had been flipped, Jed couldn’t help but exclaim appreciatively over the entryway and the living room that it led to. “Furnished, too!” he exclaimed. “Dang, this must’ve set you back. What a nice present.”

“It wasn’t too much,” came Larry’s muffled voice through the walls. It was so weird to hear him without seeing him. “It’s all modern stuff. I didn’t test it out to see if the stuff comes to life like the car, but that’s for you to do, I guess.”

“Jedediah!” shouted Octavius from across the room. “This chair is a Lazy Man!”

“Be right there!” Jed hollered. Recliners? Hot damn.


A couple of weeks later, Larry had to admit even to himself that his joke had backfired when he looked through the window and saw something that he would never forget as long as he lived. No, really. Never. Even if he actually poured bleach into his eyes like the Internet suggested. “Guys!” He spun away and slapped a palm over his face. “You do know this house was a joke, right? Because you’re miniatures?”

A few moments and a rustling noise later, Jed appeared at the window in the kind of suit that only compounded Larry’s agony. “Don’t mean we can’t make use of it,” he said with an insouciant wink. “You know, like normal people. Not you giants. I ain’t never movin’ back to the diorama if I can help it.”

Gevalt,“ Larry groaned, borrowing one of his mother’s expressions. This had been the worst idea ever.

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For @martinus-cornelius, who championed the whole damn thing while I was writing it. Thanks, buddy! 🙂

Summary:

In retrospect, Octavius could not say for sure that the
mess began with Larry and his holiday chocolates, but that certainly
didn’t help.

(Jedediah is a messy eater, Octavius has a
surprising affinity for the ins and outs of clothing, and everyone is an
awkward turtle.)

image

Takes place some time after Battle of the Smithsonian.

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