(because there was a vocal contingent who saw the ‘who should you fight’ post and wished to make love not war)
Balin: Can you say nearly 200 years of experience? This dapper gentleman has the skills and patience to play your body like a violin. Do fuck.
Dwalin: Inside his rough exterior you will find a sweet cookie-crumb center. He will make the sweetest love to you, with tender caresses of his big rough hands and lots of eye contact. Of course, if you want a rough tumble he’s more than up for that too. Do fuck.
Oin: This guy fucks like a surgeon. He will break you down piece by piece into your component parts, lay you open absolutely defenseless, and put you back together again safe and sound. Do fuck.
Gloin: It’s going to be a workout, for both of you. He demands as high a level of athleticism and energy from his partners as he does from himself. Exhausting, but you’ll feel sky-high when you collapse together at the end. Do fuck.
Bifur: The communication barrier complicates things, but once you’ve got down ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘omg I would absolutely like to do the horizontal mambo with you’ you’re good to go. He’s very detail oriented, very focused, and very attentive to his lovers needs and moods. Do fuck.
Bofur: He’ll be laughing the whole way through. You’ll be laughing the whole way through. Great times will be had by all and he’ll probably take you out for a beer later ‘cause you’re still bros no matter what else you are. Do fuck.
Bombur: His shyness is a bit of a barrier, but once you’re through that he gives the best cuddles. Just the best. Sex with him is like cuddles 2.0, slow and gentle and lots of closeness and touching. There will be snacks afterward, and more cuddles. Do fuck.
Dori: The real question is whether he should fuck you. His standards are very high, but if you meet them you’re in for a lovely time. He enjoys being pampered, and pampering his lovers in return. Do fuck.
Nori: Be very cautious. This beautiful bastard might be scoping you/your home out for present or future theft. Do not carry with you any valuables, and it’s probably best if you keep things to neutral locations like briefly rented inn rooms. Still, with proper safety precautions, he’s a wild ride. He’s up for absolutely anything, and prides himself on always making sure his partners have a great time – whether or not he’s planning on stealing from them. Do fuck.
Ori: This little cinnamon roll might not have much practical experience, but he’s got a fertile imagination and access to a lot of books for ‘research’. He will blush pretty much constantly, but whether you’re an old hand showing him the ropes or are figuring how how things work along with him, it’ll be a fun time. Do fuck.
Fili: Look at his facial hair choices, beaded mustache to draw the attention and triangle beard pointing right up to those luscious lips. This is a guy who knows his mouth is his best feature and is not afraid to use it. Tumbling the golden princeling is a real treat, and not one soon forgotten. (not to mention that booty). Do fuck.
Kili: Like having sex with an excited puppy who is very very into the fact that he gets to have sex with you. Would like to try all the things, so be prepared for a barrage of ‘can we do x, can we do y, do you like z?’. A fun time, if a little tiring. Do fuck.
Thorin Oakenshield: If you can’t see the benefits of fucking Thorin “I am to beautiful and tragic for words” Oakenshield for yourself, I certainly can’t help you. Do fuck.
Bonus Round – Bilbo Baggins: We all know there’s a wild side under that proper exterior, and he makes you both first and second breakfast the next morning. Do it for the hobbit cooking, if for no other reason. Also his bed is super nice to sleep in. Do fuck.
TL:DR – *hands over condoms and lube* Yes. Fuck the Company of Thorin. Fuck every single one of them.
Hmm. Thinky thinky, scheme scheme….
Who you should fuck: The Company of Thorin Oakenshield
Published
Death By Catchphrase 